Lost Love

I feel like writing about losing my Aunt Linda, which I haven't been able to do since she passed on January 29, 2010. Cancer was her final battle, and she obviously lost to its vicing grip. I, by the grace of God, got to spend time with her and care after her during her final days.

Now the month before, I had visited her in Michigan and she was up walking about and smiling and joking around like her usual self. In a matter of about 4-5 weeks she was no longer walking, barely smiling, barely talking, or eating, or living for that matter. It's funny how we all know we are going to eventually die someday, but we never think the day will come, until something like this happens in your life and you realize time is so limited. She was 62 years young. She meant more to me then I will ever understand. Seeing her in such a frail state, made me love her even more. It was like I couldn't do anything except tell her "I love you", and she would smile slightly and mumble it back. I never thought the daily exchange of those three simple words would one day be the most important thing I can do for a person, was to say them. She was so fragile those last couple of days, so weak and medicated. It was like she was just hanging on by a string, just waiting for Jesus to cut it so she could be free from the pain and suffering, free from the embarrassment of having someone do everything for her, free from the constraints of her weak dying limbs and lungs. The odd thing about the last week of her life was that I had never seen her so beautiful in all her life. Until the day she died, she had this angelic glow about her, it was so breathtaking to see, God had touched her.

Leaving that room the last day we visited was the hardest thing I have ever done. Knowing that it was last the breath I would ever see her take, the last smile I would ever see her smile, the last time I would tell her I loved her...lets just say walking away was like ripping my soul out of my body.

The funeral was not as hard as that week, but seeing her finally in that coffin was when it kicked in, I would never see her alive again. I thought I would be ok during the funeral, but of course I lost it several times. It's amazing how people can just walk up to you and the memories come flooding back to you, and the memories bring the tears, and the tears bring the hugs which bring even more tears. It was painful to say the least.

These recent events have changed my life forever. You think you love people so much and then you lose one of them, and it just makes you love everyone else sooo much more. Lately, I have tried to spend time with my mom as mush as possible. It literally hurts when I am away from her, because I know that one day she will be gone too, and one day I will miss her like I miss Linda; even more I'm sure.

This occurance has also made what I do everyday that much more important to me. Fighting cancer through early detection is the key to survival. I wouldn't trade my job for the world at the breast center. Knowing that we are catching cancer in the begining stages and giving people hope makes me feel like I am serving a greater purpose. For my Aunt, For myself, and for God.

Everyday I miss her, and everyday I cry, and everyday I wish I had spent more time with her. The pain doesn't really ever go away, it just gets pushed back into you behind everything else, bills, work, cleaning, blah blah blah, until you sit and think, then it comes rolling back like a tsunami.

I do know one thing, I am convinced that she is up there watching us, wishing for our pain to go away. I know she is no longer suffering and probably up there drinking hot tea with an angel or something, laughing and saying "too funny";but I just cant help but to cry. This past week was her birthday. I have a picture of her on my fridge and the kiss it everyday, hoping she gets the message. Losing a loved one is such an inward struggle. Sometimes I just want to scream!

But she would say, "Ashley, you can do this!" So, I keep plugging along in hopes that time will heal all.

I love you! I miss you! I wish I could hold your hand again, and tell you that you would be ok.

I wish you could come back.

Until we meet again....all my love and tears...